Letters To Self I

                                                                                    Distance...


It's not as hard as I thought it would be, you know.

I'm not dependant, I do not need another life source to survive.

But when I see him I can't help but become shaky and irrational, I loose all sense of my independent self and latch on like he is part of my being.

I always thought we had control over the L word, we never through it around lightly it was always used to truly describe the hold we had on each other, but now, now its different. I feel like I took advantage of it, like it wasn't truly what I felt. That I knew nothing of the emotions that would hit me in just a few weeks to come when he was gone. And then again I did with all my heart.
There it is, that damn song.

"You don't know what you've got till its gone"


I know, I know.

You really don't though, not until he has gone, up and left with your heart pumping in his hands. And his very own singing the same song in your own palms.

Memories of your togetherness flood your thoughts; Smirking over a plate of beef tenderloin, falling into a steady sway that puts you to sleep on the dance floor, the warmth of a suit jacket and the kiss under the lamplight.

It makes you feel a bit disgusted with your own girliness, surfacing inside you and pushing away the walls of your old independent self and making room for the overwhelming need to be held and loved.


Its disgusting really.